“When the mind withdraws into itself and dispenses with facts it makes only chaos.” Edith Hamilton
I am not really sure where I am. Truly it is as if I have lost the perspective to examine myself. The lens is out of focus and I struggle to get a sense of why everything feels so off. I didn’t see it. I said for months “I don’t feel like myself”. I knew something was off but failed to put words to the odd shift. It is as if my core has moved slightly and in doing so everything else is magnified as it gains the distance from that center. In the past weeks I have sensed it more profoundly than before. A disengagement from life. A failure to care much about anything. This resignation has only grown as weeks pass. After seeing Beatrice these past few sessions I am seeing it now. I am withdrawing from my life. Disappearing into some void where there is so little. My emotions are there but blunted and defeated. I see them but they don’t connect. I drift into and out of this flat dull place where I often wonder if I even have a pulse. I understand now the bleakness of this place I have lingered in. I had excepted it. Settled here because I lost sight of me and what is okay. But this isn’t okay. This is a dangerous place. Too easy to walk away from because I am already 3/4s there. I am not living right now. Sure I’m breathing but beyond that nothing. There is little if any thought. No joy or happiness. I thought this was stability. I was wrong. This is just depression through the lens of a drug. A blunted stupefied view that left me unable to react and recognize the danger. I said to Beatrice it is scary here because I don’t know where the edges are. I don’t know much about this place since it is so far from my familiar depression. The sign posts are missing and there is no map.
I guess I am just not sure what to do right now. It just feels so right to keep slipping away. so easy. There is no pull. No draw keeping me connected to my life. it is so very sad.