Quiet these days

Yes I know I have been neglecting the blog. I think I have reached a point where I often wonder if what I am writing I have written before. It has been enough years that I have delved into many a topic. Not to say I’m done blogging. I’m not. I think there is a clear ebb and flow here and there are times when it is good to step away from it. I still can’t quite grasp that I was able to write for this long as it was not something I envisioned when I began. I think there will need to come a point when I do decide it is time to stop. I’m not there yet. To much left to explore and many experiences left to share.

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anxiety

Well life continues along. Just shy of my highest weight in the past 10 years and absolutely batshit. I run, and run. riding the horses. just started back to polo and nothing seems to make a difference. I hate it.

My partner leaves for a week and the anxiety is gnawing hard at the edges. It is always this way when she leaves. All I can think about is the ten million things to do and the 5 million things that can go wrong. Something always seems to go wrong when she is away. I have a half wit idiot barn worker that pretends to not understand anything and I have zero faith in my ability to communicate with him. I just hope I can get through the week without flaying the dipshit. My partner loves to run interference and keeps me from firing him, so the thought of a week alone with his endless crap is nerve creasing. Add to that two horses with major health issues going on right how and I just can’t even fathom the next 10 days. But fathom I must since this is what happens each year. I just need to get through the next week and hold everything together while she is away.

On a positive note the latuda seems to continue its trend. mood holds. thank god.

Latuda–>40

so one week down. Thinking I kinda like the Latuda. not sure yet. Seem a bit more engaged over the last day or so. Pretty solid shift for me. maybe it is the lights, and the lower seroquel dose. Could be anything. Who knows, could be anything I guess but I’d like to try and be positive. I still hate the depakote. nights are a battle with the never ending effort to stop eating. I can’t stand the stuff. Don’t think I’ll be changing my mind on that anytime soon.

and then there is turning 40. Late september rolls around and I usually look forward to my birthday, and the holidays that mean seeing the family. My birthday tends to fall around Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur if not between them. I have always joined the family to celebrate the new year and to catch up with everyone. My birthday is just an added bonus. So this year as september drew to a close I started to think about 40 and all the various 40th birthdays I have attended. My life now is behind this gate. Friends I have had long since lost, or alienated won’t be coming to any parties for me. Life has become about work and survival not about socializing. I have no life beyond here. It truly hit me quite hard. But it didn’t really end there. There was this deep sense of sadness that I could not even pinpoint. It was a strange feeling. Well outside the normal range of my usual sadness. I didn’t think I’d make it to 40. I thought life would end for me back in my 20’s. It did not. Here I am 20 years later still standing, but is this a life? I honestly wonder. If everything we do is for these animals at the cost of ourselves is that right? I have made my life small and insulated. Guess I did it for a reason. I don’t seem to do well with people. I like the silence and the peace of my existence, yet in this juncture of life I realize I have yearning to find companionship. Quite the catch 22, introvert that hates going anywhere decides she’s lonely. Lovely. Just one more thing to contemplate.

Latuda

Another day. another drug. The psychopharm consult with my favorite bowtied doctor went well and as usual I left there with some different options. so today is the first day for Latuda. I am hoping this one does something and isn’t too awful.
I just want to feel better and stay better. Lot to expect of the tiny white pill. here goes….