so one week down. Thinking I kinda like the Latuda. not sure yet. Seem a bit more engaged over the last day or so. Pretty solid shift for me. maybe it is the lights, and the lower seroquel dose. Could be anything. Who knows, could be anything I guess but I’d like to try and be positive. I still hate the depakote. nights are a battle with the never ending effort to stop eating. I can’t stand the stuff. Don’t think I’ll be changing my mind on that anytime soon.

and then there is turning 40. Late september rolls around and I usually look forward to my birthday, and the holidays that mean seeing the family. My birthday tends to fall around Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur if not between them. I have always joined the family to celebrate the new year and to catch up with everyone. My birthday is just an added bonus. So this year as september drew to a close I started to think about 40 and all the various 40th birthdays I have attended. My life now is behind this gate. Friends I have had long since lost, or alienated won’t be coming to any parties for me. Life has become about work and survival not about socializing. I have no life beyond here. It truly hit me quite hard. But it didn’t really end there. There was this deep sense of sadness that I could not even pinpoint. It was a strange feeling. Well outside the normal range of my usual sadness. I didn’t think I’d make it to 40. I thought life would end for me back in my 20’s. It did not. Here I am 20 years later still standing, but is this a life? I honestly wonder. If everything we do is for these animals at the cost of ourselves is that right? I have made my life small and insulated. Guess I did it for a reason. I don’t seem to do well with people. I like the silence and the peace of my existence, yet in this juncture of life I realize I have yearning to find companionship. Quite the catch 22, introvert that hates going anywhere decides she’s lonely. Lovely. Just one more thing to contemplate.