Where do I start, hmmmm. Guess from the top eh? I’m a 38 year old female. I am currently dx as Bipolar, though I have carried some other labels along the way. You could call me a farmer, since I live and care for a large number of animals. Everything from horses to chickens. They are my loves and my sanity when the going gets rough. I have laid my head on many a horse’s neck to try and find sense in all that is coming undone. They are my rock. I cannot envision a world without them. We are well out in the country, and live a very rural lifestyle. Not that we don’t visit the city on occasion, but mainly it is the slow and steady life of peace and quiet. Without traffic and noise. The night sky teems with stars unblemished by light and smog. It is here that I call home.
My journey has been winding, sometimes rough. Very rough indeed. I have been in the darkest of places, and have seen just how out of control a person can get. I have experienced the disconnect when logic leaves and emotions take over. I have been destructive to the point of needing medical help. I have experienced psychiatric inpatient units, both in small county hospitals on up to large psych hospitals. I have seen the best of care and I have seen the worst of care. Somehow, here I am today.
I experienced depression as a kid, starting early on at about 10. From there it remained a part of my life, as my family fell apart. By the time I made it to college the pieces were rapidly coming apart. I didn’t know what was happening to me. That began my formal experience with the mental health system (though I did see a therapist as a kid). It was an eye opening experience for me. I learned some fast and hard lessons about hospitals, meds and earning a diagnosis. Here I am 18 years later, still learning, and still struggling. I have learned not to fear hospitals, but rather understand that they are sometimes needed. I have learned to radically accept that I need to take medication, often cocktails of many. I have learned to accept that side effects are just part of this, and are sometimes unavoidable. There was a point in time where I refused to accept any of this. In fact, I raged against it all. I have come miles from where I started. Mainly with the help of Virgil my pdoc (psychiatrist) who has been with me from almost the beginning, but also Beatrice, whom I see each week. They are my guides in this journey of survival and discovery. Without them, I cannot even begin to imagine where I might be.
This blog is about my experiences. Good and bad. From hilarious to heart wrenching. My words are honest and from the heart. I am not a professional writer, more often than not this is little more than spell checked. I want you to feel it, as it leaves my heart and settles on the page. I hope you join me for the journey. This is my life. Welcome.