not far, just there

I knew the day would eventually come when my hands would find their way and that night would come into the now. Not the then, the past, the shadows. Eventually it would be told, in all the detail and the horror. It doesn’t change anything. It still happened, it still shaped my life in many ways. I had fantasized about it somehow all becoming okay, if only I could just find a way to put words to it. So there it sat, year after year. The silence grew, and the days clicked off. It became so distant. I could go long periods without thinking about it. Sadly that changed. When the incident with him happened with past year it tossed everything out the window. The control and the distance disappeared. I found little glimmers of that night returning to me. It became a part of my life again. Nobody can ever say you leave a rape behind you, it is never far.

As I struggled with grasping what has become of my life, it became far to easy to get lost in my mind. There waiting was that night. I fought it initially, but gave in. It only hurt more to refuse. Instead I sat down and let my mind go. I thought it would be difficult to do, but it was a steady tap on the keys, akin to rain hitting a window. It wrote, without thought or direction. I let go. I allowed myself to open up and put words on that experience. Maybe with time it will grow easier, but for now I only see the silver of the moon in that old glass, and the dim outline of a door knob just beyond my reach. The predawn chill wrapped around me as I prayed for the blood to stop.I dream it, breathe it and see it. I ran today in hopes of leaving it behind. It is still very much there, though I will keep trying.

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