Where am I? there is just nothing. no feelings, no nothing. I’m not even sure I could feel physical pain at this point. I’m just gone. I just went thru the motions today. Had a major meeting with a potential donor, acted the part, but felt as if I were watching myself from afar. I can’t remember feeling quite like this. There is always some emotion, some reaction. Frustration or anger. Something. This is a void. Polo, my weekly fun and adrenaline rush felt like nothing at all, didn’t matter if it was a good play, or not. I just could not find any tether. I don’t know what is the matter with me. I just want to find my way home, but even that I wonder. If I could just stay lost here nothing would frustrate and anger me. Is lost good? I don’t think so, since it feels a bit dark and sinister, or maybe eerie is a better word. It isn’t a happy lost.

I just don’t understand.