It has been a couple days. I’ve been meaning to write but life has been hectic. As the weekend dragged and my mood just continued to decline I realized (with a little help) that I had to go back to Virgil and get things right again. As the timing wasn’t great it took a good deal of effort on my part to get down there early and the way the day worked it would mean going to the city from session and a really fucking long day. I did it anyway. I just knew I had to. There was absolutely no way I could continue on as I was going. I can’t begin to express how glad I am I didn’t bail. No excuses. No taking the easier route (phone session). I needed, on such a deep level, to see her and connect 100%. I did not think a phone could do that. I had to make sense of all the insanity going on in my head. To figure out a way to put the breaks on. Completely. We were well past the bend and I was in such a dark place for so many days. It seems the more disconnected I get from Virgil the more aggressive the suicidal ideation becomes. This was the most I had questioned our relationship/ her, in a very long time. If not the most ever. Our session was everything I desperately needed it to be. I found a way to hear her despite being unable to just a few days prior. I asked her to lay it out. Explain it and she did. This is paraphrasing but the basic sum of it-
I have spent much of my life feeling invalidated and unheard. From the earliest beginnings of childhood on into adolescence. It only continued from there. Through trauma, and life I found myself often misunderstood and didn’t feel I had anyone on my side. From doctors, and nurses to hospitals and relationships. It was a major problem. When our paths met she tried hard to always provide me with validation. To listen to me. Through all the issues with meds, life, depression, mania and all the rest. She was a constant. Never treating me as a case. Over the years our bond has grown around that central tenet. Reading that email from the psychopharm made me feel completely invalidated. Like a case, like all the others. Just a number. But what made it infinitely worse is that the invalidation came from someone I never expected it from. From a person I trusted completely to have my back and to hear me no matter what. When it dawned on me that she had harmed me it rocked my world. Seriously. Like to the foundation. and the after effects continued as I reeled from that. I couldn’t find my footing and just spun because my foundations had taken a hit. Without that connection to her and doubting the relationship only served to make it worse. I found myself in a very vulnerable and out of control place.
I understand now. I get it. I also know she didn’t mean to hurt me. I heard her words and felt the doubts start to head for the door. As quickly as they had dug in and found a spot to set up shop they packed up. Unreal. The rapidity of the shifts is amazing to me. Truly. But more remarkable is the sense of wholeness I regained when I was able to reconnect. It was as if a hollow vast chasm was suddenly filled. I no longer felt that awful dark edginess. I didn’t feel like I had to end my life. I no longer envisioned it. I felt okay. I mean really okay. Not great. There was still an infinite sadness that is often a companion. I still felt unsettled and overwhelmed but I felt like I could pull myself through another day/ week/ month because I had her next to me. I still have such doubts, not about her, but about myself. In my ability to survive. I meant every word of that Manifesto. It was my pure streamed thoughts poured out of my head and my heart. This incident only reinforces my fear that I am not savable. or salvageable. I, in the blink of an eye, wrote off a relationship and bond of 20 years. What is wrong with me? How tragic and sad. If that is possible I have no faith in my ability over the long-term. I struggle to see a future. Any future. I see another 20 years of a bazillion drugs and all the issues that go with them. It just doesn’t add up. I’m sorry. I know. I know. You all probably what to hit me over the head with a brick just so I’ll shut up. I wish I had more faith. and in addition to faith the ability to hold trust in myself and those around me to see it through.