(unedited) I fled the house like a person possessed. All the stresses were driving me to flee. It is a list that seems to grow longer by the day. I have finally broken free of the flat line only to find myself out on this tight rope with no safety net.

I guess it makes sense to just write it all out. Make a list so I can stare at it and stress some more. I am not finding answers or solutions, just more anxiety and panic.

Taxes, jesus, where does one even begin. State, IRS, town. You name it and they are coming hard. As of Nov a lien will be placed on the property for unpaid town taxes. about 40K to dodge that speeding train. The IRS, well they are in line too. A warrant already issued. Apparently way back in 2008 the accountant filed the corporate tax extension incorrectly. great. so, $3500 to get that sorted. But then there is NYS as well. Withholding. Add another 3K. Even better. There qre no funds in the corp. it is insolvent. The ponzi scheme that took all the money still tied up in a never-ending court battle. The principles that stole the $ keep stretching the case slowly bleeding all the creditors they took the $60 million from and defaulted. In checking today the current legal fees for the attorneys representing most of the people screwed is almost $250,000. nice. really. That money that might save us will never come. even if they ever settle it won’t leave us with much if anything. Sickening really. I still remember so vividly the day in Nov 2009 when the check wasn’t in the mailbox. A week went by. and then another. It was the beginning of the free fall. There was no safety net anymore. I went from someone who had no concept of money to a person that learned fast and hard just what reality is. The world of begging and borrowing and trying to just get by. Each time we were completely submerged somehow we managed to survive. people helped us. funds were somehow found. but each takes a little piece. it notches out another section of pride from your core. Makes you feel a little less each time. Your worth crumbles slowly, grain by grain slipping away as you watch everything come undone and know what it would all be fixable with some money. Fucking money. something that was always there. gone in an instant. I didn’t know how good I had it. Didn’t know how hard life could become in its absence. As I look out over bills stacked higher than shoe boxes and endlessly shuffle to see where the priority is. Who gets stiffed that month. Who do I tell no to. Who do I avoid just to get through another month. To carve away a debt only to have another one appear. Disheartening is not even a word worthy enough. My hands shake and my mind numbs as I try harder and force myself to run the numbers again. figure out where the funds need to go to keep the lights on and the animals fed. But I have lost track of where I was. I forget and have to start again. The numbers run together. I can’t figure it out. A mind that was once sharp and honed is dull and stupid. Tears of frustration and ripples of anxiety join me at my desk. I fight to get through each work session but know I am getting nowhere. I need help that I can’t afford. We are under a deadline to file both NYS and federal forms for the sanctuary. wish I could function well enough to do it. I’m not. I have no fucking idea.

I know, I was making a list. I am. In the aftermath of the financial meltdown the insurance debacle came along. Sure, I knew we could not keep paying $1300 a month in insurance. But the descent off a decent plan with good coverage is sickening. I have seen the quality of care. The lack of choices. The worry that goes along with it. I finally found a decent GP. Nice, thoughtful and seemingly thorough. This week they called to tell me she doesn’t take the shit insurance I have through Medicaid. oh and I have to pay for that last office visit. Yeah the one where they did the yearly EKG. another bill. more $ I don’t have. After two weeks of looking for a dentist and realizing none of the directories are up to date, not even the insurance companies automated phone system I am dreading the hunt for a new GP. Seem like nobody takes this insurance. Probably pays them nothing. But I have no choice. Do I change plans and run he risk of them not covering the meds?> that was a stressful enough venture the first time around and I sure don’t have the 1800 a month to spend in meds. what the fuck am I supposed to do, I am just shaking my head trying to figure this all out.

Meds, yeah. the meds. add them to the list. Do I stay with depakote. sell myself out. go against everything my gut is telling me? or do I just bury it and accept it. continue. take more. I don’t know what to do. I know how awful I feel on this drug. But I don’t know what choice I have or even what options I have left. More $ another consult. another handout I have to ask for. amongst all the other ones.

The corporation and its insolvent nature. do we just dissolve it? I need a lawyer. a good one. I need counsel and I need someone to do this. oh yeah. that’s right it takes 450 an hour to buy a good lawyer. jesus, I am wondering how to keep the power on and the bill collectors at bay, how in the fuck am I supposed to do all this.

Taxes. yep back to taxes. The sanctuary needs an accounting review. that’ll be another 2-5K. Is it making sense. do you feel the water up around your neck now? yeah. it is a terrible feeling to drown. It is awful and terrifying and it all comes back to the fucking dollar. something so simple. so easy yet so far away.

I could keep on going. I could. I have the pain mgmt dr. tomorrow, well if he still takes my insurance. Clock ticking on the next round of injections to keep me going. Polo starting and it is the most wear and tear I get. Sadly I don’t think polo will be an option this year. I normally pull some magic out of a hat and find a few extra bucks to pay dues but this year doesn’t look feasible with so many other priorities. I know it is one of the last things remaining in my life I love. I may be ambivalent about going, but once playing it makes me feel something. I can be alive. Be in my own skin and happy for a few hours while I forget. I don’t think it is all that responsible to play when there are other bills that need to be payed. I know it will come at a great cost. but isn;t that what responsibility is. Isn;t that being a grown up? to make the right decision even if it means sacrificing your happiness. I am just terrified of the prospect of a long winter with no outlet. no escape beyond my running.

Running. and running. Where am I going> in circles it seems. The list grows longer by the day and the end is nowhere in sight. Running feels like drowning these days because there is no relief. I just end up back where I started and everything is here waiting for me.