Slow bleed

Seems I can’t quite get past the Virgil issues. As we circled back in session to meds and options I realized I am still so far from a good place about all this. I can’t even begin to figure out how to move towards some middle ground. I know, logically, why. I know far more than I wish to about these meds. I find myself anxious about the upcoming psychopharm consult, not because I think I am out of options but because I don’t know if I can stomach what the next option is. I have agreed, near blindly to his suggestions and each has worked. I do trust him. I am just fearful that I will find myself in the position I am in now with the depakote. Common sense, and published protocol would say go back up till we reach a solid blood level. I know that. The fact remains I am not sure I am willing to do that. I know that might be a grievous error. Truly I do. Though I think I am having a very hard time with that. My instinct is to just comply because I am truly terrified of another session with Virgil like the one we had. My instinct is to be a good patient, say yes and meet expectations despite my knowing it will cause so much anxiety and sadness. To comply is laced with great sorrow and fear. I do not want to feel strong armed and pushed even if I am making a terrible mistake. I know it seems so stupid. It is just pounds. It is just a mental haze and a weird discontent. What is the matter with that? Seems pretty simple. Just chose the med and accept it may bring stability even with a cost. Yet there is a stubborn independent soul in me that refuses to be forced to accept realities I cannot tolerate. I try. I go through my days trying to pretend all is well till I have to remember a name, or work on some book work. Until I need to look at myself or pull on my running clothes that do not fit. I just cannot wrap my head around it then. When I stand in the kitchen in the middle of the night eating anything in sight and calculating the amount I need to run just to break even. On the days when I know my body isn’t up to it but I go anyway all because I can’t give in and gain more. Most people shrug at 10 pounds. Meaningless. What is failed to account for is that is 10+ lbs in the face of extreme amounts of exercise. Running up to 45 miles a week. Biking, and riding the horses. Working around the farm. If I were to sit down and not do all I am doing where would I be? God forbid I got injured? what would it be then? 20? 30, 40 lbs…yes. that is a reality I cannot help but fear and so I run anyway knowing I am pushing myself out onto the edge of what is sensible. Is that stability? But that isn’t what it is about. At the end of the day it comes down to control. The last bastion of relief in my world of stress and powerlessness. It was something I alone could hold onto tight and make sense of days where nothing did. I could look at myself and find solace when nothing felt alright. and in flash that was gone. The change so fast and brutal I myself could not fathom the change. I know what you are thinking. My thoughts and perceptions are distorted. I have no real idea of my body image. I am wrong here. Does it really matter? Do you take the tattered blanket a toddler is dragging around for security just because to an adult that is ridiculous and meaningless? No, of course not. It plays itself out. The kid outgrows it. There is no need to be cruel and wrench them from their fantasy. So my perception is skewed. I know that. Maybe I need it right now since everything else is so damn fucked up. I control nothing now except the choice to live or die. I chose to wake up and go about my day in a haze of anxiety and fear. Each day bleeding fatally into the next and there is nothing to stop that hemorrhage. In the past 6 months I lost my security blanket, actually I lost a few. I continue along realizing there is only so much blood I can lose, only so many days till I am empty. and so I run on, exhausted and hurting, not knowing what tomorrow will bring though I can’t help but think it will not be good and it will bring more pain and more running just to stay ahead of it.


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