It happens so fast, just as quick as the blink of an eye, I accept fault. It is my fault. I am sick. It is so easy to put that on, and let my heart ache. How do I stop myself? The problem lies there with me, not with anyone else. It is I, who sees myself that way, so it is very easy to accept when someone else points it out. I never stop to challenge, or voice some protest. It just falls to me, and into my head I go. There is no worse place. To be in your head and be blaming yourself for your existence. The worse the conditions, the more the blame is laid on. It is paralyzing in its ability to undermine everything that it going well. All of that pales and then all together disappears. I’m sick, I’ll always be sick, she’s right. I cause the problems and the trouble. I am the one who creates the distance. I am the one who is angry all the time. I mistreat her, and abuse her. It isn’t all that long before all that suddenly becomes- I am an awful person, just a sick piece of shit that will never change. All these years of treatment and it is as bleak and terrible as where I started. My moods create havoc, and all I ever do is hurt those around me. She doesn’t deserve to be treated like a piece of crap. Why can’t I stop myself? Why do I get so angry? I am so sick of all this, I don’t know that it is worth going on, if this is all it will ever be. When did it all go so wrong? When did I get so sick?
And so it goes, around and around in my head. I just sit there in that place, not even making an effort to get out, because I think deep in my heart I deserve it. This torture and this pain, it is mine to bear because I am such a bad person, so much of the time. When did I so deeply accept this identity? When did I decide I was the one who deserved the punishment?