where to

I’ve found myself in this strange irritable place these last few days since things have settled. I’m not really sure why. Mainly just pissy and unhappy. Guess it is the return to the inevitable. The fact that we are in the very same spot before all the chaos of last week. I’ve returned to the gym hoping that would settle my head a bit. It is fine while I am there, but when I walk out the door everything just settles back on my shoulders. As if I never had felt any better. My partner and I argue endlessly, so I have taken to just not saying anything. I like the refuge in silence. It is somehow comforting. Weird. I just don’t have anything to say. All anyone ever says is “hold on” ” things will get better”. Like I am the only one that isn’t on board. Thing is, I’m not. I see problems not solutions. Worries rather than expectations. I’ve dug myself into this trench, and can’t seem to get out. If we go back to what I wrote about a few days ago, it seems obvious. If I don’t feel any passion, why would I move. I am stuck. In my relationship, in my work, and my life. I know I am “stronger” but I am standing still. I am tired and frustrated. It may be because how I am feeling isn’t validated. I’m not talking about therapy. I’m talking about my relationship. It is the usual “you’ll be okay” pat on the back crap. I’m not crazy. I’m not nuts for feeling unsure and worried. Those feelings don’t make me insane, They make me RATIONAL. Any normal human being in this situation would be worried. I’m not fucking crazy. Should I just bury my head in the sand and pretend everything is okay? Take my meds and just shuffle along, try not to look around too much? That goes against every grain. I don’t just shut up and look the other way. I am not like that. It is always “chose what you want” as if it is my decision alone. It is my problem alone that creates these ripples in the an otherwise still pond. Sorry, that is a fucking crock of shit. This isn’t a tranquil pond. Our life is as turbulent as it gets. Last week was a good example. I wish it were a quiet pond. I wish I were the crazy one making waves. It isn’t that simple, and I’m just not that sick. Sure, there have been points in time when one could say I was a little unhinged. There have been times when all the decisions have been made for me, because I was not in a place to make them myself. But that doesn’t mean I need to be reminded of that regularly, nor is now one of those moments. I am coherent and rational. Nobody is running electrical current through my skull. My medications are fairly benign, none altering my ability to process information. Sure, I may be a little dumber than I was before, but I am no idiot. I am seeing this situation for what it is- a shit storm. I’m just tired of everyone tiptoeing around me, worried. Fuck it- I’m not the problem here. This financial disaster is the problem. Trying to support a herd of 30 horses. That is the problem. Our inability to generate enough donations per year. THAT is the problem. My sanity, or lack thereof is NOT the problem.

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