lost in the wood

217881_451520721574575_542604661_nIn a stupor this evening. My bones heavy as lead. Not an ounce of motivation or desire. The questions remains, what is enough? I can linger here in this state of utter disconnection,but what good will come of it. I wish I had some sign, some advice as to which direction I should go. I don’t want the control. I’m not even sure I could make a sound decision. My mind is confused. Thoughts no longer race, they crawl, painfully slow. None making any sense. I try to focus,but more disembodied bits of thought drag along. I continue trying to focus, but quickly get preoccupied with some random useless piece of information A red herring amidst a sea of false starts and stops. I am exhausted and confused. Time seems to be going along without me. I can’t remember yesterday. I awoke anxious early. I know I felt anxious because I went to run. I usually use the running to try to settle my head. Today was a different park trail run. I have never run there and carried no map. I set off easily, yet parts of the run seem not to exist. I know I was running, but when I looked at my watch time was lost, Where had I been? which way did I turn? I wandered off the trail to look at this beautiful old farmhouse ruins. I got lost. Initially I figured with my sense of direction, I’d be fine. As the minutes passed I started to worry. All the trails looked the same. So many directions to go. I was reminded of the scene in On Golden Pond when the father loses his way in the wood. It is a little scary being lost in 3000 acres. I kept running, trying to get a sense of where I was. By some miracle I came out behind some houses, and found my way out. It was anxiety provoking for sure. I thought I would use the run to explore my thoughts, instead I though of nothing. blank. nada. So, here I am in the waning hours of the day, lost in thought. If only I could concentrate. There are important troubles facing us. As each day passes a little more pressure comes down on us. Little by little, without pause or relief. It never ends. In my heart I know now we need to let go. Enough is enough. It isn’t giving up. It is surviving. Survival is sometimes walking away while you still can. Before you have lost too much. To give up means a tremendous change. I can’t even comprehend just how much our lives will change. To let go also means starting over. Regardless of whether we stand here or move on, they are both terrifying. Is it the fear that is causing me to disappear into the jumble that is my mind these days?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s