Today has been a weird one. Have a nasty case of the shakes. Thankfully I’m not a neurosurgeon and filing can be completed regardless of how bad my hands shake. This goes a bit beyond that though, it is a strange restlessness. Almost an inner shakiness as well. It doesn’t happen all that often, but when it does it really feels bad. I usually go down my checklist- did I eat?, did I take my meds? etc etc. I just continue on and pretend it doesn’t feel quite so bad. I’m just wrapping up the 2012 office filing. It is great to see all those piles of paper disappear into their rightful folders and cabinets. Clean desk ready to accept the piles of paper for 2013. I tend to put off filing. It is a much hated activity in this house. It runs neck and neck with doing dishes. Neither I, nor my partner like doing either. The papers usually pile up, and the bills don’t get opened. We don’t have the money to pay them and it is easy to get so overwhelmed. so they sit untouched waiting for a day when it has been put off too long.
My mood has been somewhat sad and irritable over the past 7 days or so. I cycle in and out of a disconnected state where nothing much seems to matter. I don’t care. My partner talks at me and it just filters past me, as if some invisible shield was up between us. I don’t care about the truck that is in for service, or what the neighbor said she needed to do to restart the tractor. I just don’t fucking care. It is all meaningless to me right now. In this steady state of holding off the panic nothing seems to matter, except holding on. I feel so caught in this place of irritability. I want to scream and yell and kick. To make everyone see the reality that is coming. Who fucking cares about the tractor or the neighbor, it is pointless. All of it. I want to stand still and stomp like a three-year old who has been denied that candy bar. Better yet throw myself on the ground and have an all out tantrum all because the reality I am living seems so far from those around me. I don’t want to hear “it will be okay”. How do you fucking know that? Why don’t I trust them? Maybe because I have been mislead and disappointed far too many a time. There is so much riding on this and I just don’t buy their empty promises. Yet on the flip side they have kept us going. I cannot discount their words entirely. I am caught in this unsettled place. My heart and my head restless and worried. I have no words for this place. In the absence of words there is just this shaking. I wish to be anywhere but in this state.