Disjointed thoughts

I sit here in this empty drafty old house, thoughts rolling around in my skull like marbles. Skittering haphazardly, like they have been set loose over an old worn floor board. Each seemingly important, but none staying long enough to even examine. A cool numb muffled blanket of distance and disconnect doesn’t let me even get close. I just know they are there. They ping against the inside of my forehead before retreating into blankness. I ate, tasting nothing. I read, understanding little. The hours have passed since darkness fell in this strange place. I know I am just trying to keep myself in a neutral place. I understand why my mind is doing what it is doing. I just cannot handle all the information that is streaming in, not within the context of this fierce storm. I knew I might feel vulnerable tonight. It was okay with me. I cannot remember the last time I felt quite like this. I don’t normally straddle the fence. either I disconnect, feeling nothing or I don’t. It doesn’t cycle back and forth into that place and back in such a rapid succession. I can’t wait to go to bed, just to leave this strange edgy place behind. Tomorrow I need to figure out a great deal, that urgency is steadily pressing at me tonight. But tonight I just can’t. I’m looking at a pile of papers to fill out, and all I can feel is dread. Look away and it is gone. Just that fast. I’ll do it, and everything else that needs to get done, just not tonight. For now I need to go back to work. A barn full of horses have needs. A driveway needs plowing again. It all calls, but to do it I need to walk out onto that blowing snow. I need to stand beneath my tree and feel my heart race. It never doesn’t. It is forever. There is no time to get lost in thought now. I’ll be okay.

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