Detritus

As I slowly wind myself down, toward some semblance of calm, I am thinking more about session today. I was focused, because much of it is there in my head. Quite clear, in fact. Many times session are a blur, this one is not. I think one thing is quite clear, I am forging a new path here. I am steadfastly refusing to go the same route I have traveled over and over. In the past I would reach a point of not coping and problem solving would start. Normally as a process of inpatient treatment. Everything that I was saying or doing in the months that led up to it fell on deaf ears. With the exception of Beatrice and Virgil. The rest of them are a bit like those three monkeys, see no evil, hear no evil….. It didn’t matter what was said, unless things completely fell apart, nothing changed. Well I am not fucking walking that road again. I will not come apart. I will not be the one they have to rescue, too weak or sick to function. This isn’t the way it is going to be. It is too easy to fall headlong into old behaviors and patterns, especially when they have been there a lifetime. There has to come a point when enough is enough. It just plain hurts too much to keep on like this. I am beating my head on a wall here. A wall made up of people too rife with shortcomings to be able to do what needs to be done. There is no excusing it anymore. If may have been fine when I was the SICK one. Too buried in my own shit to see the landscape. I am done with that. I alone will decide where my path goes. I will not be pushed or cowed. I will find some strength and foresight to create the next chapter. To be caught in this endless loop of crises after crisis, hospital after hospital, drug after drug. Enough. I do not think I can keep on that path and keep a shred of my dignity and my confidence. Every time we repeat the process I am reduced to nothing. I turn over my freedom, my privacy, my decisions, and my choices to others. There is only so many times a person can do that and still feel at all good about themselves. You no longer feel whole, or complete. Each time a little piece departs. How many times have I bowed my head and given up? How many times have I made that choice? It should not take a crisis for any change to come about. I have lost so much along the way. I am not willing to do it again. I can no longer expect them to do the right thing, they won’t. They will not fill that void, I have forever yearned to be filled. To look for it, is to be disappointed and hurt. I need to move on. Enough. The challenge now is to find the courage. To realize I am, in fact, able to create a future. A future I want to be in. If I just let myself get dragged along, like some piece of detritus flowing downstream it will end badly for me. Not in a dramatic sense, just a realistic sense. What kind of life am I living if I am not chosing my path and my destiny. Each day, that rolls into each month and further into years destroys me. Maybe not all at once, but in a slow insidious manner. Stripping me bit by bit.

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