Well as much as I didn’t want to I took the day off. No gym, no running, nothing. I did ride, so I guess I can’t say I did nothing. Have to say it was hard. I still have that restlessness, probably just the steroids. Not much to say today. I’m irritable and angry. Here we are on the verge of a new week, another week closer to the town foreclosing. Why this doesn’t seem to bother anyone is beyond me. What does it matter? Does it really fucking matter?
To fucking hell with it. it is just a home. like any other. always another to find. or not. i find myself swinging back and forth between caring and really not giving a shit. i can somehow convince myself, at least a few days at a time. than wham back it all comes. in my face. there like a ton of bricks. can i really delude myself into thinking this place means nothing to me. 11 fucking years of my life, my partners life. countless hours spent doing back breaking labor. making it work. making a mess. fucking things up. yeah, all that. it isn’t nothing. the nothing is the frustration. to walk away from all this because i am so fucking exhausted by the day in and day out puppet show. a fucking rich benefactor on one side and a ridiculous family on the other. someone always yanking my strings to control my life. there is nothing for me to do but dumbly agree. yes, yes, jump higher, do this, do that, don’t do that or that. unreal. i am beyond sick of it. my life has come down to this. the never-ending stress demolishing a 15 year relationship piece by piece. unhappiness is the normal. not the new normal, it has been growing and growing. its seeds sown long ago. here we are to make sense of our lives while caught in this situation. there isn’t much to do. i can accept it for how it is. let the money man decide what happens. when the checks come or don’t. how much comes or doesn’t. always waiting till the eleventh hour. all the more rush for him to be the savior. for fuck sake. we are human beings. this isn’t right. i fucking can’t even make sense of it. but again and again it repeats. the people we trust do not seem to have our best interests in mind. long as they are happy who cares. here we sit watching the clock tick down on our existence here. a fucking useless father who refuses to answer the questions. he wont even give me the time of day, driving yelling into my cell trying to get him to stop fucking talking over me. on and on. it is ridiculous. there wasn’t anything i could say or do to get him to stop fucking talking like i wasn’t even there. really? it was like nobody was there. thank god the cell dropped the call, cause I think i would have told him to go fuck himself. got myself somewhat calm and redialed the phone. “you do realize that the town will take this property unless the taxes are paid” blah, blah blah….nothing. does it get any clearer??? fucking crystal clear. nope. nada. fuck it. so here we are a couple days later and he say “oh I am working on some people who want to support the farm” WHAT? are you kidding. where in fuck’s name are you going to find some angel to give us 50K just because. yeah right. good luck with that one. i want to see that one. so gee, the property closed eh? yeah. nada. yeah, you tell me what you did with that million plus. nothing right? leave us hanging up here. no fucking pun intended, yeah i’m pissed. i know fucking damn well what you just sold, so unless you lost it all already or that fucking cunt of a wife took it i’d like to know. fucking nasty piece of shit you picked out, she’s a real fucking peach. sure being with that nasty witch must be nice because I don’t see any other redeeming qualities. so what the fuck? enjoy florida and ur bitch wife. we will be us here sinking up to our necks in crap. doesn’t much matter to you does it. nope didn’t think so. so fuck it. let the town take it. because you just can’t be bothered. we will find our way. away from you and your shit. i’m done with this, and the fucking endless head games. yeah done. completely. too bad you don;t even see it coming. too busy talking bullshit about imaginary donors. who gives a fuck at this point. so what, you;ll come thru at the last minute. then what, we end up in the same situation 12 months from now and again after that. fuck it. too bad they don’t even see the toll it takes on us. day after day, hanging over our heads. day after fucking day. bill after bill…the stacks reaching knee deep now. the phone ringing endlessly, the only silence coming when we don’t manage to pay the bill. then nothing for a day or two. i can’t fucking take it. all i want to do is have some breathing room. i hate nothing more than not being able to pay people. i can go without things, who needs new clothes, or things, no, that i can manage, but owing people money is awful, it grates away at me . sitting just behind my breastbone gnawing away at me. hour after hour after hour. i just want it to stop. i see so much wrong. i want to fix it. i want to make it all right again. i want to be able to make it all okay. but you see i can’t really do that on my own. i need to figure out a way. it just 50K. gee just 50K no big deal right? wrong. i may have always lived my life think of 50k as a modest amount, not much, no big deal. it IS a big deal. it is a lot of money. too much ground to make up, with not enough time. anything not nailed down is being sold. i’ll strip this place bare to make it out. and don;t think for a fucking second i’ll pay the taxes you owe. no, ill pay the people who are owed. debts that we have. not your fucking property. done. we will figure a way out. make it right somehow. it means nothing unless we do that. i won’t walk away without doing that. only pieces of shit dont pay their debts and im not a low life piece of shit. i/m not and i never will be. you may pick and chose who you pay without a care in the world. not me. no. i am not that. i am not above anyone. i am no different. i dont care if i end up living in a cardboard box, i will make it right. it is just unreal, i never thought id be living this life. straining to make it okay, to get thru each day, to make sure the mouths are fed. i want to back up and lighten the load, but no. can’t do that says the donor. don’t make the herd smaller. can’t piss him off, so what do I say, okay. sure, yeah no problem. it isn’t okay. to just sit in submission. to nod like some stupid puppet because 100k buys you two women to do what you want. fuck us. we are meaningless in the grand scheme. ok, yes, sure, no problem. and again we return to this restless anxious house with bills in stacks. nothing but paper. 1K, 5K,, 10K, 50K and on and on and on. they pile up. the phone rings, but ok, sure no problem. yeah, bend over. sure. jump? how high? okay no problem. but it is a problem. we are treading water and getting tired while this plays out around us. sick to hell of this life and each other. endlessly snapping at each other because we can hard;y breath in this box of stress and discontent. enough! it isnt worth it. we are fading here. at what cost is all this. for a horse? really? is it worth it. i love them. i truly do, but my life is spinning out away from me. it has left my control in so many ways, but the puppet has to keep dancing or they wont be happy. not happy = no $$$. so fucking sad. where does it go? to be gnawed to the bone. nothing left but a nervous gangled mess. drugged to make do and comply. life sad enough to lose meaning. here’s a pill, or another, or another. no problem. take another one.you’ll be fine. im not fine. the fucking pills will never be enough to make this mess right. they might subdue me but they don’t change it. just putting a fresh coat of paint on a rotten board. it’ll fall off, it never sticks. it never does. over an over, we do this. but fuck it, i agree, i’ll keep swallowing them night after night in hopes a morning will dawn fresh and shiny without the horror and the reality of a life coming undone. but sure, yeah, i’ll have another. who cares what’s another 5 lbs or 10. it doesn’t matter. it fucking doesn;t because i am supposed to just be okay with it. I am supposed to roll over and give in, one more puppet master in this play. it is supposed to help. does it? for a spell. it never lasts. but im okay right? im not sick, no. not at all. im fine. just take another. no, not another. gee it doesn;t work. oh let’s try some electricity maybe that’ll do. there nice and quiet just how we like them. too dumb and controlled to even take note of a fucking useless life. what does it matter. memories aren’t imp[ortant. nope. all in the chase for okay. give in, give up. get well. yep, you have to give up. let them control you. take their drugs, submit to their torture, lay down in their restraints. but it will make you well. DID IT? did it make me well? DID IT? do I seem well to you? nope it isn’t well. no. I am lost in a life outside of my control. desperate to grab hold and change direction. but here i am writing this shit. chasing the thread trying to find a way to good. I don’t know where it went so wrong. i just want a fucking map. to find a way out. it is just so beyond me. i look and look, and write and write and sit and talk in 50 min sessions over and over and over. To what end?? AM I well? did any of it work? why do I feel as lost now as I did before? why can’t any of this get better? I want to make it better. somehow, but the strings…the fucking strings are always there pulling me to and fro. never where I want to go. what I want? yeah, what a fucking joke. this life? is it what I want? I can’t even answer a simple fucking question. My life….and what I want. enough. i’ve ranted enough. tomorrow is a new day. a new day restrained by people determined to decide what needs to happen, whether or not i want it or need it. it is enough. there has to be a better way. there has to be a way to make sense of it all.